


Little Canvas

by Achilis



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:55:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29653713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Achilis/pseuds/Achilis
Summary: Loving yuta was explosive, massive, new but oh so exciting and thrilling that he would do it over again. He'd do it again in a heartbeat just to feel, to exist, to be a bit more.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Little Canvas

**Author's Note:**

> Jaehyun is really dumb but yuta loves him.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this !

Falling in love with yuta was never too hard for jaehyun. He felt as if it was one of the most natural things he has ever done in his short life. He compared it a lot with a baby cow learning how to walk: fluid, rapid and out of pure survival. Loving yuta was definitely something so new for him, maybe because it never happened, it was like exploring the unknown and discovering different shades of his own personality; shades that he never, never explored before. 

How all this started was funny to him, a moment of revelation that awestruck him similar to those epiphanies they often talk about in medieval time. It was sudden, brutal and so unpleasant that he didn't ever want to get back to the first time he saw his best friend differently. Feeling how his heart beat quicker at the simple mention of his name was uncomfortable, sensing how his breath caught itself inside his lungs was odd, and hurting his cheeks by smiling too much at his joke was a straw he hated to take. 

But falling in love with yuta was like entering inside a fantasy, it was like breathing underwater and hiking the Himalayas and maybe, maybe like living at Pompeii when the volcano exploded. Loving yuta was explosive, massive, new but oh so exciting and thrilling that he would do it over again. He'd do it again in a heartbeat just to feel, to exist, to be a bit more. 

Loving yuta was giving him hope and a freshness he didn't know he had in him. 

He was ô so in love with the idea of loving him, loving yuta. 

He liked a lot of things about yuta. He adored so many little things about him that making a list was impossible to him, it was as hard as naming all the stars in the sky and all the species in the land and he knew how crazy and unrealistic it sounds but for him, it was the closest to the truth but his brain was so entitled to make one every time he'd go to bed, naming each thing with a smile on his face, one so big that his dimples could be seen. 

Jaehyun loved the way Yuta smiled when someone called him pretty, it's big and full and he got so shy that he'd have to put his hand in front of him. He loved how his little eyes would disappear while he'd laugh his heart out or how when he laughed, his entire body would roll and he'd only be a pill of happiness and joy and tenderness. It was all so beautiful when Yuta was happy, it was better than a beautiful view of the pinkest sunrise he could see, it was like stars in the day and the moon in the night and galaxies in the sky. Yuta happy was his world and in his mind every hour of the day and maybe Jaehyun wanted to make Yuta feel happiness and joy for the rest of his life.

However, he couldn't do it. He couldn't express all his sappy thoughts and love and cheesiness to him. It was af if the stars were all against him and took pleasure to see him suffer from this one sided love, as if all the hurt he'd feel seeing him with other people would make up for his past life's action. He was heartbroken. his heart hurt so so much, it was sinking in the abyss of the ocean drowning more each day and each night. He was suffocating, it was getting so hard to breath sometimes that even seeing the sun smile wasn't enough to help him in this.

He tried, he tried a few times to tell him how he felt. He made small gestures and little talks here and there showing his affection to the other. One time, he made a Playlist of all his thoughts, one that could embrace the ô so intricate emotions that were a part of him since he fell for him. It didn't work tho, he got a little 'thank you, xx' and a kiss on his cheek but that was all. 

Another time, he made a dîner for the Japanese man. A full dîner with a table set and little candles and a little ring with an azurite stone on it. Pretty, just like him. However, it was as if yuta couldn't catch his sign, as if a cloud was in front of his eyes every time he tried to make small gestures and tell him how much he loved him with his entire core. 

  
  
  


Having a crush on yuta was easy, it flows so well and naturally that he could do it even in his sleep. It was easy because everything involving the older was so simple, his entire personality was loveable. watching him was more than enough to love him. Sometimes, jaehyun would just need to glimpse at the Japanese man and be inhibited by his beauty to realize that he was actually in this way too deep.

And Yuta was so happy lately, he was radiating this positive energy and vibe and everything was going so well for him that jaehyun could only see, watch him being his hyper self. It was endearing. 

Sometimes, he thought, that he should distance himself from the older boy, that he should prioritize his health and his heart, and that all his suffering wasn't worth it. helplessness consumed his body and cramped inside his mind, befriending his insecurities. but as pathetic as it sounds, a smile of his was directed to him and a single tear would drop remembering him that he was in this way too deep. That loving him was the only option for jaehyun. 

  
  
  


'' Why are you so sad, Jaehyun? ''

Yuta's voice was soft, it was delicate and full of life but today a taint was in here, hesitation crowding that back of his voice, as if he didn't know if he really wanted to hear the answer to this.

'' Nothing, everything 's fine.''

He knew that he wouldn't buy his blatant lie, he had this distinct habit of scrunching his nose when lying, like his body had to betray him. 

'' You're lying to me lately, jaehyun. I know you're lying because sometimes I would see you smile at me with a sad smile and glossy eyes and nostalgia on your Features. Please, talk to me. ''

'' Everything's fine. ''

And they both knew that it was the end for today, that no other words about this topic would be exchanged and it broke yuta. it broke him slowly like one part of his precious heart was creating holes and bleeding a bit. He was starting to get used to it.

…. 

Springtime was always yuta's favorite time of the year, he'd force jaehyun to go out with him and bathe into the freshness of the air and admire the blue in the sky. He was in love with the colors earth was giving and showing. it was all so soothing and calming that yuta would find it oddly comforting, it was the perfect weather to chill and admire the world while holding jaehyun's hands. 

So naturally, when they went outside of their shared household, he went for his hands trying to get the warmth it ereditated and the familiarity he used to get. but jaehyun ditch it, he pretended to grab his phone and occupy his hands as much as he could with petals and flowers and everything that weren't yuta's hands. And maybe yuta wanted to cry again. 

Yuta couldn't pinpoint what was going on inside jaehyun's head. he was becoming a stranger and slipping through his fingers and yuta didn't know if he could bare it anymore, it's getting so heart wrenching and hurtful that tears had fallen so many times already. he couldn't even smile watching as the spring added colors to their garden. 

  
  
  
  


'' Jaehyun, do you hate me? '' 

Night had fallen a long time ago when yuta broke the silence that was present in the living room. Before opening his pretty lips of his, the Japanese man though about it for a while. questions after questions were resonating in his head and evading his thoughts. None of them had answers, it was blank, empty and scary and yuta wanted to cry his heart out because all the questions about jaehyun always had an answer. 

'' what do you mean, yuta? '' 

'' It's clear, do you love me? like me? am I annoying? do you want to get rid of me? you tell me.''

He was starting to suffocate in this house, his eyes going all out and even landing on the wall multiple times. 

'' Lately you've become so distant to me, jaehyun. It hurts me. it hurts me so bad that I can't heal those holes in my heart and I don't know what to do, jaehyun. I'm so afraid, I like you. a lot. I like you because you're my constant and stability and that you're so calm and beautiful and I just like you a lot actually. But you feel so far lately, unreachable and it makes it so hard for me to breath. Please, please tell me what I need to change, and I'll do it. I'll do it.''

And he was so out of it, so far from this living room and the fainting light that he didn't feel the tears falling on his cheeks, soaking his pretty face.  It hurt. It hurt Jaehyun so bad that his face was red from the tears and emotions that were getting out of his system. It hurt him so much that he didn't know if the agony that's filling his body would ever go,would ever stop. Jaehyun was sure, he was ô so sure and he knew that he expressed his feelings well, with words and actions and everything. he was in love with the man, he made him his world and nature and a bit of his galaxies. He painted the forest with his smiles and the wind with his laughs but how come he didn't see it. How did he not see the clouds replacing the trustworthiness of the blue and turning it into a bitter gray ? 

Suffocating, he was suffocating. He felt like all the air was out of the ocean, like the water was overwhelming and too much and his feet can't reach and he can't, he can't open his eyes to see the sun shines in the surface. He needed to get out. 

'' I'm rambling, sorry. I'm going to sleep. Good night''.

Jaehyun didn't wait. He didn't wait to see yuta's body disappear in his room to get out of the house that was feeling like too much tonight. He took a jacket and scarf that he put loosely on his neck before confronting the coldness of the night. 

He liked the night jaehyun, the darkness of the sky was somehow all it took to unleash his thoughts. 

It was stupid how his feet knew where to go in these situation. How when he was frustrated with his feelings and everything was too much that he could only scream in his head as loud and far as his inner voice could he would always go to see him, longing for a bit of happiness, a bit of dopamine he couldn't get anywhere else. Jaehyun craved this rush, to dive in the floating happiness and desire that he'd only feel once his head was emptied by the taste of his lips. 

Jaehyun knew. He knew how the night would go once he stepped a foot outside to cool himself. He knew the minute he knocked on the familiar metal door unannounced that he'd be met by Doyoung's smile and how the second their lips would crash together everything was forgotten. 

Jaehyun liked it, he enjoyed the familiarity of Doyoung body against him, the way he felt again his cold skin and quick fingers. Breathing his cries and whispers was oh so natural that the rush took longer and longer and he needed more, he craved more of Doyoung's skin and body. He needed to see him bruised up and marked by his nails and teeth and it was just a brutal exchange filled with thirst and lust and desire. They both knew that they needed it, they needed to get things out of their system. Because everything was getting too much and not enough at the same time and their minds were dizzy, unstable and filled with so much information that were exploding, each other's bodies were the only available solution to express their longing agony, love and hatred. 

And both of them knew, they knew once the night was over, that talking was out of option. It was as if they didn't spend the night together, completely untangled. That's why they took all they could get : love, affection, cries and whispers. They took pleasure and desire and inserted it inside themselves, adding on their dose of happiness and joy. They kissed, kissed their mouths and Jaws and thighs and all these parts that were previously white canvas were bit by bit tainted in an ocean of blood and flowers, painting their little universe. 

  
  


Yuta waited, he waited all night to have a sign of the younger telling him that he finally understood and that maybe something could change. He hopes in his silly mind of his that his little rambling confession would make a difference, that everything would be back to how it used to be and a bit more. He imagined smiles and love and flowers, and lots, lots of romance. The scenery in his head was so beautifully crowded by the different scents of nature, the green of the land and blue of the sky and all the flower's colors. He giggled, he giggled in his big bed with a big smile on his face and hope in his eyes. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't close his eyes without seeing the other one kissing him and telling him sweet things and giving pet names and all the things he's seen on movies and TV shows. He knew that it was so dumb, he knew it so so much that he didn't want to think about it or even acknowledged the fact that maybe he was the only in love in this friendship and his heart could be crushed at anytime now. So when he heard the doors opening the next morning he got out of bed so excited. He was so happy to see Jaheyun, he thought that the night was enough. That, he got his ideas sort out and now they could just love and love each other like last night didn't happen. 

Happiness didn't come, flowers didn't bloom and kisses weren't for him. It was never for him anyway. 

Yuta knew it, he knew so so badly and everything made so much sense but he couldn't believe it. He felt trapped and engulfed in something so profound that no end could be seen. He felt like drowning and crying, crying and crying. 

Screaming. He wanted to do it so hard. His voice wanted to break and crack and lose itself in the emptiness of their house but he couldn't. It wasn't his right, it will never be and he had to learn how to stay in his place, to stay put, smile, nod and go by with his day. 

But it didn't hurt any less, it didn't shove the pain away and make him strong enough to look at Jaehyun in his eyes. He 

hated himself more than he already did. Maybe he should've continued to stay quiet and accept this shitty situation.

So before he could feel more tears rolling on his cheeks, he got out of the living room, stumbling a bit, to go to his bedroom where he could express all the sorrow in his heart. 

Lunch was awkward. No one talked, silence was screaming and scratching the walls while they were eating a sweet pasta made by Jaehyun. It could've been so domestic, yuta thought. They'd smile and talk about their days while the other one would look with a fond smile. 

But it wasn't. Yuta tried to be discreet, he tried to hide how his eyes were looping at Jaehyun's bruises on his neck or on his wrist. He made sure to not look at it too much and focused on his food, it was the best option. 

'' Do you want to touch it? '' 

A sound of confusion escaped the smaller lips as he put his couverts on his plate. 

'' You're looking at it.''

''What am I looking at?''

'' You know it''. 

  
  


It hurts; it hurts so fucking much to see how the younger didn’t care. It was as if his feelings were just another information that could be thrown away anytime soon. It hurts to the point he could feel it, it was transcending his core and sending signals to his damaged brain. He felt sick, dizzy, like nothing was real anymore. How could this be real ? How could all this be his reality when he was so so sure to be in love with the purest soul ever ? Maybe nothing was real anymore, it was a fragment of his deepest fear brought to life in one of his dreams and tomorrow, tomorrow everything’d be okay again. 

Sleeping wasn’t the best solution to solve the issue, he knew. It was a short escape from a reality that will come back once he’ll be awake again, but it gave him time to breathe, time to let his mind wander a bit, to explore other universes, ones where he’d have jaehyun’s hand in his and lips on his own too. One where feelings were not this intricate sensation that hid itself in awful thoughts. That’s why he hid himself from the world, he stayed there, in his own little words, where no one could ever hurt him this way and even if it hurts, it hurts so much less than when yuta saw the look on jaehyun’s face.

Falling in love was supposed to be magical, it was supposed to be mixed with yellow and red and maybe a bit of this purple he liked so much. It was supposed to paint a canva with sky and flowers like the one they have in their garden. Yuta thought that love was like cherishing your garden, making sure each day that all the flowers had enough sun to bloom, touching them with care and meticulosity. He thought it was all cotton candy and this undying softness that made you feel like you’re in the highest cloud that floats at night. He thought that it was innocent touches and thoughts and shy kisses in front of a nice campfire but he was oh so wrong. He was never more wrong in his life. It was like he promised himself the world and instead everything was burning, destroying his own house and mind. It was that glowing fire that consumed oh so much, losing himself and burning himself in the process. It was despair, an agony to be loved too, to get a drop of water to grow in the proces. it was screaming and crying for help when no one, not even the person you love, noticed. It was desolation, blues and sorrow creeping in the walls. It was grey, a grey mixed with a heavy dark that overthrew the white and he wanted to shout, to scream that he needed to be saved and to be loved with care, but it was too late now that he tried to call for help and was met with a broken phone.

His cries for help were never answered that night, it stayed silent as if his despair weren’t piercing the thin layer of wall that separated him from jaehyun. He never felt as alone as he felt that night, it was engulfing him, eating him, crawling his skin minute by minute and tears were falling, staining his face and wetting his bed sheets and his head hurt so bad that even thinking was too difficult. but the pain ? the pain stayed on and on like a reminder that the happiness he thought he could’ve was never meant to be his. The pain was everywhere, anywhere. 

Days passed on, and weeks and nothing but silence and small talks and complaints filled their conversation. Everything was dull, nearly cold and it started to color his heart with a blue he didn’t have inside himself. Jaehyun was out all night and yuta all day so they never really had the time again to talk. None of them tried, none of they tried to start the bigger conversation, it was as if all these years of friendship were now gone, and Yuta hated himself for that. 

Everything felt like a never ending situation, similar to a trap, it felt as if no situation could make this better as a ‘sorry’ wouldn’t be able to fix it. jaehyun hated it, he hated how he bombazed all his chances to be with the person he likes, it felt like he was the cause of his own misery and responsible of yuta’s one. he hated it and no solution came to his mind so he decieded to write. he took stupid little papers that were here and there and wrote bits and bits of excuses, explaination and sorrys. he pur juice on it, coloring papers with inks and words and everything on his mind. Funny how quickly a little jar was crowded with folded papers and notes and stuff. It was getting so full of all the love and adoration he had for the older man that he felt embarrassed, as if his deepest secrets were between those lines that he took time to write. 

He hesitated a lot in the way he should deliver his little creation, the timing was never right and he never had enough words to say everything he wanted to say and it was getting so frustrating because what he ever wanted seemed now so far away from it, like he couldn’t ever reach it with his fingers and touch it with his hands and  he just wanted his little happy ever after with his best friend. 

So one day he just decided that it was the day, he prepared himself in front of his mirror, doing prep talk and readjusting his white t-shirt again and again while the playlist he made for yuta awhile ago started playing in the living room. he didn’t know if yuta would get the clue but he sure hoped that when he’d open the front door of their house and see what he’s done for him, he’d understand everything that went through his mind the past month that they spent without talking because it was, and he was sure of it, the worse time he had in his entire life. When he heard the keys getting inside the lock with the little crack their door liked to make, his heartbeat fastened up and his breath itched inside his throat; nerves were getting curtshorted and he could feel his heartbeat in the weirdest part of his body. Nervousness was not enough to describe what was invading his body and his mind, his confidence leaped and leaped outside of him and cries were ready to get out at any time now. Still, it was too late now, he couldn’t turn back time and he didn't want to. The way things were the past month was way too atrocious for him to not gather himself and get out of his bedroom. 

Yuta was beautiful, maybe jaehyun was being biased and the love filter corrupting his body was talking more than reality but here, in front of him with his green beanie and too large white shirt that dangerously revealed his collarbones and the tiredness on his face, he was beautiful. Jaehyun tried to hide himself a bit, because he wasn’t the main focus of this little apology party. Yuta found the first hint, which was a little origami posed where he usually put his keys. it was a poorly made fish that surely looked ridiculous but made yuta smile before he frowned in pure confusion trying to figure what was going on. Confused, he went deeper in the apartment, looking attentively, trying to notice if any changes were noticeable. His eyes sticked on little post-it here and there, little notes on objects that he used a lot. He was curious yuta, so he went on and on and collected all these little notes on his hands, reading them with this smile of his adorning his pretty face. He read a lot of ‘i’m sorry’, ‘please forgive me’’ but between them he could see here and there more heart warning ones like the little red post-it which had a note saying ‘the sun is nothing next to your smile’’ or the blue that had “ you smell good”, “ i love seeing you with my cloth on”, “ i still have you as my lockscreen” or “you have curved a place in my heart, can you stay in here ?” and even though all of them were some rom-com cliché words, he still drank every word of them, diving his 

body in these words of affection that he craved all so much. Apart from that, he saw small boxes each filled by themes that were inspired by both him, yuta and his friendship with jaehyun. One was full of his favourite candies, the one that had sugar on them, another had homemade cookies and cupcakes and the last one was a bit bigger and heavier and he couldn’t guess it at all. When he opened it, he saw a black hoodie with a picture of both of them printed in black and white. 

“ Where are you ?”

His voice was soft, as loud as a whisper but he knew jaehyun was not that far away from him. he hoped that the little tears that stained his cheek disappeared before he faced him but oh he was so wrong.

“ Hi, hello.”

Shyness was never something they had to deal with because it was always him, always them but tonight, tonight was an exception they had to accept.

“I’m sorry, I know I already said that a lot in these notes but I hope you will forgive me. i know i should’ve spoken up before and actually acknowledged what you’ve said to me but i just-, i just couldn’t do it and i’m sorry for that.”

No response left yuta for a while, leaving them in this tense and heavy blank. Yuta simply didn’t know what to say, he knew jaehyun indeed had to say something sooner and he was mad for that, he was so angry that he left him like that when he convinced himself that their friendship was bigger and could actually handle anything. So he didn’t respond, instead, he took a deep breath, and locked eyes with the older man before doing anything that could damage the remaining glimpse of their friendship.

“Can I kiss you now?”

All the exhaustion could be heard in his voice,talking about upsetting topics wasn’t his go-to-plan after a long day of work, he’d prefer some cuddles and kisses and any type of affection Jaehyun was ready to offer him. He didn’t get any for so long that functioning was getting harder and harder, as dramatic as it may sound.

“ Yeah, yes you can but before, before I still need to tell you that I love you too. I love you and you have to hear it. You deserved to be treated so much better than what I have given you the past month so I'll make it, I promise you and i Love you”

He was tearing up yuta, coldness running on his cheeks contrasting the happiness he could feel right now. He didn’t wait, he let himself lazily fall on Jaehyun, hoping he’d take his tired body to bed or anywhere where he’d sleep or at least rest his body. Jaehyun did just that, tooking the sleepy princess in his arms and lifting him up to go to yuta's bedroom, it had the best blankets. Once underneath it, they faced each other, their smiles not living their faces once.

“Can I kiss you now ?”

“ Yes, you can.”

  
  


Waiting never tasted better, it was like getting water after a long journey in the desert, seeing the sun after being in the dark for so long. Sensations and feeling were all so overwhelming but oh so satisfying for both of them that they couldn’t stop smiling making their kiss way slippier but it was cute like everything evolving yuta, jaehyun though. And maybe, maybe the way yuta fell asleep on his lips made him fall in love a little bit more.

  
  
  



End file.
